This article, “How to Have a Good Marriage,” was originally published on 12/15/22 and has been updated.

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This week, my husband and I are celebrating our 19^th wedding anniversary (Wow, I still can’t believe this is number 19!), and it got me thinking about our relationship and how far we’ve come over the years.

From high school sweethearts to college newlyweds, to first-time parents… these last couple of years have been full of adventure.

Looking back, we didn’t always have the best of everything. But we always made the best of everything that came our way.

Throughout our journey, I’ve learned valuable lessons about life and love. Here’s a list of 19 things I’ve learned throughout 19 years of marriage.

1. It Gets Better with Time

Nothing flourishes overnight. Great relationships need time to blossom and mature.

After being married for nearly two decades, my husband is not just my partner but also my best friend. That’s because time has a way of bringing people closer.

In marriage—and in life in general—time helps us to appreciate others on a deeper level. It teaches us patience, compassion, acceptance… and opens our eyes to see what’s truly valuable in life.

2. Change is Inevitable

To have a marriage that withstands the test of times, both you and your spouse must embrace change.

To expect my husband to remain the same person I married 19 years ago would be unrealistic of me, and vice versa.

Throughout each phase of life, we’re constantly changing—and not just physically. Our ideas, perceptions, personalities, and priorities continue to shift over time.

In truth, change is the only thing we can guarantee in a relationship. To have a successful marriage, you must accept and embrace watching your spouse become a new version of themselves—over and over again.

3. Appearance Matters

Looks aren’t the most important aspect in a relationship—but they do matter. We should continue to care about our physical appearance, even after we’ve been married for some time. The way we look and present ourselves doesn’t just affect our romantic relationships, but it impacts our self-esteem and the way we feel about ourselves.

Tending to your appearance shows love for your spouse, but more importantly, it represents self-love. Prioritizing looking and feeling your best will directly benefit your relationship, and keep the chemistry alive as you and your spouse grow older together.

“A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.”

Kate Stewart

4. Date Nights Are Essential

If I had to give marital advice in only a few words, it would be, “Never stop dating.”

Having regular date nights with my husband has really kept the spark in our marriage over the years.

For couples, date nights provide space to communicate, show affection, and switch up the usual routine—which helps to increase happiness and relieve marital stress.

5. Spending Time Apart is Important

Yes, couples should spend quality time together to strengthen their relationship. But spending time apart is equally important.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and allows us to prioritize individuality.

6. Every Day Won’t Be a Good Day

You will have bad days in your marriage—but don’t let them define you.

Instead of dwelling on your frustrations, be mindful of the bad days. Notice when things aren’t going smoothly, and focus your energy elsewhere. Sometimes the best thing couples can do is give each other space during difficult moments.

When the time is right, you can talk things over in a healthy manner.

7. Opposites Attract

When my husband and I first met, we had very different personalities. But I think that’s the reason we have such a great relationship—we’re a happy balance.

The truth is, personality differences can benefit marriage in several ways. People with different personalities can complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses, teach each other new things, and help each other see the world from a different perspective.

8. Communication is Key

Sometimes we become frustrated from feeling misunderstood in our relationships. But in many instances, we only feel misunderstood because we’re not effectively communicating.

To avoid confusion, and maintain a peaceful marriage, learning how to clearly communicate our feelings, opinions, and expectations is key.

9. Avoid Nagging

When I originally published this article, I was really struggling with this one. But I’ve since gotten better at communicating with my husband (hard work and daily practice!).

The truth is, for many women, learning how to make our point without nagging requires effort, but it’s totally worth it. Throughout 19 years of marriage, I’ve noticed that my husband responds to my needs and requests much better whenever I talk to him, not at him.

10. Support Your Spouse’s Dreams

I’m not sure if my husband and I would’ve made it this far if we didn’t believe in each other.

Showing genuine care and interest in your spouse’s goals, dreams, and purpose contributes to a happy marriage. By supporting your spouse’s dreams, you make them feel seen, valued, important—and you push them to be the best version of themselves.

“Happy marriages look to the future, not the past.”

Dale Partridge

11. Prayer Changes Things

To remain happily married, you must have more than just a physical connection. Prayer moves us beyond the physical realm, and connects us on a spiritual level. The more I pray with my spouse, the greater things happen in our lives.

Prayer is a key component to a healthy marriage. It brings you and your partner closer, helps you prioritize your issues and concerns, and gives you the strength to face life’s toughest challenges together.

12. Boundaries Are Healthy

It’s perfectly OK to set limits with your partner. Boundaries allow you to respect and protect your own wants, needs, feelings, and desires.

Establishing boundaries with your partner teaches you how to honor your time, space, and energy—which is essential for maintaining your marriage, and your sanity.

13. You’re Responsible for Your Happiness

The beautiful thing about marriage is having someone to bond and share life experiences with. But when it comes down to it, we’re each responsible for our own happiness.

Throughout 19 years of marriage, I’ve learned that happiness, love, health, and wholeness must all start within. Having a happy marriage begins with taking ownership of our own moods, needs, worth, and desires.

Your happiness will inevitably increase when you share it with the right person, but it is always your responsibility.

14. No One’s Perfect

I’m sure we all know by now that when you marry your partner, you marry their flaws. A relationship is made up of two imperfect people.

Before saying “I do,” it’s important to have realistic standards and expectations for the person you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with. Being aware of your partner’s irritants and shortcomings—and being able to look past them—will be essential for a long-lasting marriage.

15. Children Are a Gift

Having children definitely changes things in a relationship. Routines, sleep, and life as you know it may never be the same. However, change can be a good thing.

Having a child has made my marriage even stronger, and has given me an increased sense of purpose in life. I also find more meaning in the little things now that I’m a mom.

There’s something about having children that teaches us our true strength. Having a daughter has made me braver, stronger, determined, and a much better person than I used to be.

16. Laughter is Medicine

Laughter and romance go hand in hand. In fact, numerous studies show that humor keeps the feeling of being in love alive and increases health and happiness among couples.

Throughout 19 years of marriage, I’ve learned not to take life too seriously, and to prioritize fun and enjoyment as much as possible!

17. Spooning is the Best Sleeping Position

Spoon cuddling is my FAVORITE way to fall asleep. As a woman, I think there’s something about being the little spoon that makes me feel vulnerable—but in a good way!

Spooning with my husband allows me to feel safe, loved, and completely cared for. And, according to research, I’m not the only one who feels this way. Sleeping in this position has been proven to increase the emotional bond in relationships and improve the quality of sleep over time.

18. Marriage is What You Make of It

Marriage is a daily commitment. You must wake up each day, and consciously decide to love your spouse to the best of your ability—over and over again. But the truth is, love alone is not enough. Because a strong marriage will require time, effort, hard work, and constant forgiveness.

As with most things in life, marriage is what YOU make of it. Relationships don’t just flourish because we want them to; they flourish when we tend to them properly, and work towards making them better.

A strong marriage will require time, effort, hard work, and constant forgiveness.

19. Men Need Respect

This is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned throughout my marriage.

As women, we desire to feel loved. And men desire to feel… respected. In fact, research suggests that respect is the foundation to any healthy relationship.

After being married to my husband for 19 years, I’ve learned that the best way to love him is by showing him that I admire and appreciate all he does… even when he’s not being perfect. Speaking kindly to him and valuing his needs are just a few ways that I honor and build him up. The more I express respect towards my husband, the more he expresses his love towards me—the two go hand in hand.

The truth is, for men, respect is a powerful tool. It expresses trust, offers encouragement, and increases a man’s confidence in his own abilities.